{[[ Journal Title ]]}

raveish thingermajigger

2009-04-19T07:13:58Z

so...yeah,i really do try to post when i'm drunk...

i was at this cute kid's house..hockey player...whats his name...uhm....EARL! yeah, he's cool. His brother flloyd was spinning some cool techno..jungle influenced shit. Place was hoppin. Dancin and what not. glowsticks and everything. but their place is in a bad spot. Last time i tried to be at their party (where the wild things are theme...awesome right?) but the po-po likes to show up. So yeah...we got kicked out a bit early...police bein nice saying just for everyone to leave. luckily there's a back door for the fence to leave out the alley and not have to say hi to the cops w/o an id cuz i don't have mine...keep in y car lest i'm buyin booze or some shit.
party was kickin' saw the cool kids.

girlfriend got drunk enough to forget english and start talking korean all up on my ass...had no idea what she was sayin...trying to make her shut up is hard when she forgets english. cept i know a good code word/name that makes her answer no matter what. anyhow...goodtimes.

Deathtrap: a Thriller in Two Acts...is REALLY GOOD.
My sound design is brilliant...the set is brilliant...the show is BRILLIANT!!! so yeah..awesomeness will open next thursday...which is where most of my focus has been these past few days. woot.

i love the theatre as much as i hate it sometimes...if that makes sense...anyhow......i have food to eat. and i'm...maybe not as sober as i should be...
but i thought for some reason you should know that ...for some reason...the matrix is on tv.
the end.

Exes

2009-04-06T01:54:32Z

Hello and welcome to my livejournal! Tonite's theme: EXES.
They've been on my mind lately...just curious as to what they're up to. Don't know why. Probably has to do with the fact that they are who they are, and no one will ever join them. (aka, I'm done, I've found mine, and that's it)

So here's the skinny:
Patrick, the first real boyfriendy boyfriend I ever had, he's still dating my friend Liz, who he got with right after me, while we were still in high school. Which I think is super cool. I just saw a pic of him on facebook, and it was strange how i remembered his smell.

Jodi, the first real girlfriendy girlfriend I ever had...last I heard from her she's broken up with the boy she got with after me, and is persuing someone she works with..another boy, well, man, seein' as he has a kid.

Stephen, the most boyfriendy boyfriend I had, is on his...third girl since me I think, and this one I like, cuz she sounds like she's treating him well, and is the right fit for him. Which is great, cuz I love this kid, and he needs a good'un.

Katie, oh dear...

Yeah...four, thats it on my list of exes, mainly because I'm leaving out the one weeks and the one nights. Besides, I didn't play the game until high school.

(but just for my rep's sake...this is by no means a list of who I've slept with, there are people on this list I never fucked, and people I fucked that are not on this list)

woah...my exes go in order from ugliest to prettiest...
probably because I slowly got cooler and prettier as I got older.

So I guess that's really all I have for the theme of exes...
Otherwise, its been 6 months and some change with the girlfriend, I'm at Bradley, rocking it out on my Theatre Major, Art Minor, and I recently got elected as the Operations Manager for the Radio Station..which is like vice president. Deathtrap is the play I'm working on (sound design) and art wise I'm cooking up a skating related peice for kai.
I've been thinking about color lately. Auras and health, color and mood, all that shiznit.

I read a book today about Astral Travelling...and there was a section about Astral Sex...which I thought was a terrible thing to include.
Arlight..well I have to get to a meeting so I'll be leaving...

a little over 3 months later

2008-12-28T17:38:47Z

and we're still going strong.
Its hard to believe I actually found someone who is as remarkably talented as I am. I mean, I don't think I'm being cocky when I say I'm talented. I can juggle, draw, play guitar, sing, rock the ddr machine, skeeball machine, various other video games, climb trees, speed along on my bicycle (well, before it got stolen), and make my way to the top of a climbing wall with no sweat...among other things. In other words, I'm good at shit. And Kaiva is too. She's literally a ninja, fourth degree blackbelt in korean ninjitsu, which apparently kicks the pants off of other types of ninjitsu (from what i've seen so far, i'm not really a martial artist...heh), she knows 5ish languages (more or less, i can't remember off-hand), she's a dancer, figure skater, runner, swordsman, frighteningly good at tetris, plays piano, clarinet, sings in choir, and has a way with words only a true diplomat would have (especially when it comes to getting out of trouble).
She's the perfect partner in crime...
where she lacks i pick up the slack, and vise versa.
its scary good.
and she's coming home from korea today. hooray! I miss her! and I want to see what she thinks of the awesome things i got for her stocking.

a bit of an update, cuz it seems i only fill out this thinger when i'm drunk...

2008-10-26T07:11:23Z

So that one month from before, well, Katie is my best friend now. She realized over the summer that she probably wasn't into girls, which really was the only part missing from our relationship, and i understand completely. But this new development in my life, who's so perfect i feel like we've known each other since the beginning of time, Kaiva, is making me happier than i've pretty much ever been. I'm more realistic about things than ever. And I know that sounds rediculous (or something spelled right) , but things are really that scary in their perfection right now. Oresteia's blood situation is very manageable, and very entertaining. Film is not really my medium though, I prefer the stage.
Haunted house is cool, but the communication between the production team is lacking. I have hardly any clue what's going on...which in a way I'm ok with, but in alot of ways not. But I think things will come together at tomorrow's day of working...workshop...niner...but actually five and halfer...

anywho...just wanted to write a few thoughts down....
c'est la vie, non?

llllspyderllll @ 2008-05-05T21:25:00

2008-05-06T02:27:25Z

One month already?
sweeeet.

I wrote her a song
she got me one of these:

isn't it awesome?
I thought so.

^.^

llllspyderllll @ 2008-04-25T00:00:00

2008-04-25T05:01:26Z

I'm in love...
I'm in love?

Yeah, I think so.

llllspyderllll @ 2008-04-14T08:19:00

2008-04-14T13:20:37Z

I may not have done all my homework...
but my favorite band is coming to play tonite at Arcadia
and my beautiful girlfriend is coming with me.

What else could i ask for?

llllspyderllll @ 2008-03-19T22:57:00

2008-03-20T04:13:50Z

not all encompassing, but a little taste of a few things, i'll probably update this a couple times:

Things that I have to do within my lifetime, that i have yet to do:
see the pyramids
see the aurora borialis
see a volcano erupt (or at least some lava)
spend more than a day on a boat
have a child
walk the wall of china
play ddr in japan
go to california
go to mexico
ski in colorado
go to disney world
go to universal studios
swim in the ocean
write at least one novel
study in europe
ride a motorcycle
build a treehouse
have my own stage show
see Cake play live

Things I've done that were pretty awesome:
seen niagra falls
seen the grand canyon
kissed the blarney stone
traveled across the atlantic
been on TTD and millenium force
been to colorado
been to vegas (though i must must must go back)
seen the butes in arizona
enjoyed the fine fine city of chicago
performed with an amazing acrobatic juggling troupe
had deep conversations with budding musicians
scared the pants out of hundreds of haunt-goers

llllspyderllll @ 2008-02-28T03:21:00

2008-02-28T09:28:05Z

And so now i just spit it out, tho i spazzing out spine on the spot bent bot-stiff stolid in the corner by the heat heat
cuz cuz its cold cans and old ones cold ones old mans
we'll see i spose what comes of this repose if that's a world let me know but for now i'll let it go and keep typing at the screen so serene in my deamean
or
maybe the sound will softly surround and shake the dust from the mood
rap rap ratatat off the tank blue seafoam sqush couch bottle of skyler's cover under the covers of a late nap after sing-songing g string absenses.
elephants and penguins bring a power to the tank as i feel like a fish in this blue and an animal too
following the warmth of the house to the vent and shivering at the reset researching something important
but not right now...
so maybe i should be.
and i would be were i not just
be be be
ing
and -i-n-g-ing in the now of the now.

llllspyderllll @ 2008-02-15T15:14:00

2008-02-15T21:17:19Z

I had gone way out of my way for her.
I did it again when he sounded like he needed it.
I wanted to, I got something out of it.
But..I wish someone would go out of their way for me.

Why do I always have to take initiative?

llllspyderllll @ 2007-05-14T12:24:00

2007-05-14T17:34:08Z

make a new one
especially for this place
this space this white box upon the box upon the box within the box on a box on the sheet of paper under your own boxes and boxes of four corner four wall feng shway fuck ups and stuck ups in a stack in your inbox on the box.
money talks and that's nice but when you break something you put it on ice and it feels better slowing things down like that with some water the lifeblood, the true lifeblood of humanity with the largest percentage of somethings in our systems, but taken for granted so often we sweat the minimal sweat and smell the sweet flowers of something way too unnatural
where's the freeform?
so many corners to hide away in
to cower in to cry in
to get sent to wearing a dunce cap
playing puppets with your hands making fun of the ones in charge of your corner of the world
which is round dammit
circles should be what dominates this screen, but the ones with the codes and mathematics think square and find it to be more structural and mathematical and solid and such making sense even to me
though i would prefer a circle or an oval or a freeform treeform something i've never seen before somewhere sitting on a something much more natural than this box on box actualities of the web
if i were a spider i'd be pissed that something named after me is so dull looking most of the time
it's all titties and bjs click double click copy paste letters and numbers loosing their meaning with every tap on the keys
tippity tippity tap should be a sound we associate with dance, with a woodpecker, with a scary something rapping at the door
waiting for you to wonder what it is and walk around the corner
startle shock and shake out the rest

llllspyderllll @ 2007-03-14T04:18:00

2007-03-14T09:29:14Z

Its been a little bit ain't it.

So spring break is in three days, pretty much two. Its Wednesday now I guess. Thats cool.

I was really really sick on sunday. Panic Attack + Sinus Infection (alergies) + Carsick + lack of food and water = no fun.
So I missed my producing midterm the next morning. I went to the counselor for the panic attack and then to the doctor. Found out I had a fever- which is all the doctor was really good for. I know my body pretty well tho- kinda knew i had a fever.
Its nice to know that I know myself well enough to know whats wrong with me- y'know? Like even without a "proper diagonosis" I know whats causing whats happening and how to fix it. Like right now my stomache is kinda churny- its most-likely because all i've had today is liquids and snot go through my system, and its sad that i didn't eat alot of solid food.

I'm going to TN to see Steve. ^.^
I'm leaving on Friday. I'm gonna do one of those all night drives. I don't care how much mommy worries- I love driving. Its so liberating. I'm gonna have the windows rolled down and the music up- my short hair blowing in the wind in a way that it won't obscure my vision. OH! I gotta get me some sunglasses! Yeah...Its gonna be a good drive- cept the sunglasses may have to come off when it gets dark out- country roads aren't bright enough for that sunglasses at night shit- I'm not about to run over a possum just cuz i wanted to look cool dark and mysterious.

I think I'm going to pop some nyquil and hop into bed. if I take too much longer i wont get up in time for civ- and then my whole day will be screwy- which isn't good cuz i have two tests. Econ and Psych- wish me luck, i'm so sure I'll do so hott. I mean, the info isn't that hard, i just- i dunno, i didn't retain very much of it, and its hard to study sketchy notes and a poorly written book. *shrug* At least I'll be able to study well for my exam on thursday (that i missed cuz of my sick on monday)
*sigh*
What is my stomache doing? Chillax down there!

Oi vey.

So, it was freaking 70+ degrees today- and tomorrow its supposed to rain, and the temp is going to drop back down to like, 47...hehehe. that makes me giggle.
cuz i'm going to TN where its going to be nice.
woot.

St. Patty's Day..what what?

Rock Lobster.

llllspyderllll @ 2007-01-07T16:20:00

2007-01-07T22:20:45Z

There's a girl, who will now be known as EX.

Society?

"yes melissa?"

Why do we put "EX" in front of our people? Someone who meant so much to us. Is it just, one of those things that makes it easier to forget the hard part?

"*nods*"

Thanks Society.

There's a girl, who will now be known as LIAR.

Society?

"yes melissa?"

Why doesn't the world know how to lie yet? We've been on this planet pretty long. You'd think someone would've figured it out by now.

"You seem to get it, why don't you write a book?"

I think I will, but I need more time on this earth before I can say I've really got it. Thanks Society.

MY WHOLE LIFE
is the way it is because of three things:
1. Things out of anyone's control.
2. Lies.
3. Secrets.

And its not because of good lies and good secrets. For me in particular its because of secrets that SHOULD have been kept from me. Lies that should've been told-but weren't. Though right now the thing that pisses me off is the secret about the lies. I've been told LIES AND LIES AND LIES from LIAR-EX but I would've been ok living with it if she hadn't told me the secret about it-telling me that they were lies.
*insert loud painful aggravated vocalizationi here-something like "ARG" but bigger*

Fuck that.

BUT. Conveniently, my life has prepared me well for this moment. I know that depression is there, and I know what I need to do to handle it properly-without doing more harm to myself and others. Besides, I have a really good outlook on life, and some amazing friends that are around to help, and give me a new perspective on the things that could be a snake-but are actually just a garden hose. I am excited for the future-despite how much the past torments me.

llllspyderllll @ 2006-10-29T19:24:00

2006-10-30T01:27:27Z

I can post this here because I know neither one of them will read this…but I just got back from rehearsal and the two IMs waiting for me were:

From my good friend from the renaissance faire who lives in TN, Steve:

[17:51] Steve: I fell in the creek....
[17:52] *** "Steve" signed off at Sun Oct 29 17:52:33 2006.
[17:53] *** "Steve" signed on at Sun Oct 29 17:53:33 2006.
[17:57] Steve: hey
[17:59] Steve: I got wet
[18:00] Steve: was crossing this log over the creek, and in the process of snapping a pic, I fumbled and dropped the camera... I tried to catch it, but ended up falling in behind it...
[18:15] Steve: I smell like deodorant, TN woods, and creekwater.
[18:17] Steve: you should -definitely- come down here in May or June... I know some -awesome- hiking spots... huge forests, dramatic river valley vistas, waterfalls, rock formations, old bridges, caves, and just tons of those really really cool spots in the middle of nowhere... and some near town, like the catwalks under this huge new bridge that crosses the river....
[18:21] Steve: there's not many people in the world I'd like to share these places with.. but you're one of 'em... 'cause you appreciate things like that. I have a freckle on the bottom of my right foot. Fall is my favorite time of year.
[18:35] Steve: well, you ish not there.. so I'll talk to ya later

From my bestfriend/girlfriend/thing Jodi:
[17:19] Jodi: lets go on a date
[17:19] Jodi: yeah.
[17:19] Jodi: lets.
[17:19] Jodi: im totally wearing a dress.
[17:20] Jodi: lets go to the olive garden and to Marie Antoinette
[17:20] Jodi: K?
[17:20] Jodi: lets go dancing
[17:50] *** "Jodi" signed off at Sun Oct 29 17:50:34 2006.
[18:10] *** "Jodi" signed on at Sun Oct 29 18:10:57 2006.
[18:11] Jodi: ?
[18:16] *** "Jodi" signed off at Sun Oct 29 18:16:15 2006.

I read the one from Steve first because it was most recent and the first thing on my screen, pulled an “Aww…” and then read the one from Jodi…and I started to cry.
I miss them so much its ridiculous. I haven’t seen Jodi since fucking JANUARY. And I haven’t seen Steve since August, but August is doable… I dunno. Jodi’s been my friend for so long and the fact that we’re stuck where we are really gets to me sometimes.

I really want to go dancing…

llllspyderllll @ 2006-09-15T08:44:00

2006-09-15T13:45:06Z

DUDE!
I'm director, DIRECTOR, for the Haunted House...

ideas?

llllspyderllll @ 2006-09-06T14:43:00

2006-09-06T19:50:01Z

Some things take time to settle in.
A "break" was probably just the wrong word for it, and it really threw me off.
An open relationship on the other hand, is much more bearable.
We both love each other way too much to just-not be together.

Free to experiment, free to be young, etc etc.
Tho, the only person I've made out with since opening up my relationship with my gf was a gay guy..haha.

I'm better. I just needed time to let shit settle, and to finally TALK to her. She called last night and we talked for like an hour, and for once it didn't seem forced. Hooray for feeling better!

AND hooray for successfulness:
I'm on Season Electrics Crew (hanging and focusing lights for the semester)
I'm a Dresser and I helped build for Company (I worked on the set, and for the show I get to help guys into their costumes)
I'm assistant sound designer for Angels in America.
I'm a Stage Manager for New Faces.
I'm the Co-head of the set design commitee for the Haunted House (and sound design).
I'm on the Bubbles and Sunshine commitee for Alpha Psi Omega

w00t for being only a freshman!

College is awesome.

llllspyderllll @ 2006-08-28T11:53:00

2006-08-28T17:02:33Z

Hooray. College. I have friends, I have a life. Exciting.
Except that seeing me so content throws Jodi off. So much so that she suggests we go on a "break". I don't know what this will acheive. I don't know what this means. But my heart hurts alot. My head hurts alot. I'm depressed enough to take a pill today. I haven't had one in like, 4 months. I still love her, but I also hate her right now. Just when I think I've got a handle on things something always gets in the way. She thought she was in the way by being my girlfriend, like she was holding me back from experiencing things. I liked missing her better than this. I like being sad better than being angry. I feel like she gave in to what her mom had been trying to do by not letting us see each other. Its like she gave up.
I refuse to give up. I know where my heart is. I know where my mind needs to be. I've been more liberal at parties, doing things I wouldn't otherwise do, but I am loyal to my feelings, even if she says we are on a break.
Am I in denial? Is this a break or a break-up? The last thing she said to me was "I love you", but is that really what you say when your "on break" with someone?

I hope she's happy, both in the genuine way and in the spiteful way.

llllspyderllll @ 2006-07-22T21:33:00

2006-07-23T02:42:36Z

Lately I have been working at the renaissance faire. I sell jewelry at Land of Kush and I also juggle in the fire show with:

Brandon,

Cameron

and Caleb

Good times eh?

llllspyderllll @ 2006-07-12T01:42:00

2006-07-12T06:48:16Z

I went thrifting today and got some fun skirts. Here's two of 'em.

Polka dots....yum

The Shortest Skirt in the World

llllspyderllll @ 2006-07-05T21:28:00

2006-07-06T02:50:53Z

After experiencing my first week of work, I've come to a grand conclusion about life.

I'd never worked before, so this week at wendy's has been quite an interesting experience. I applied monday, interviewed tuesday, trained wednesday, and worked every day except for the third of july. Clocking in and out, going on break, dress codes, things I've heard about a gazillion times, but things i'd never had to deal with myself. Work pretty much sucks. I mean, I'm getting paid, and I'm doing stuff, and the people aren't mean or anything, but its just, so boring, so, dreary. I'm way too creative of a person to be stuck cleaning tables running a register and making fries. I told a manager yesterday, "up to high school calculus and i'm cleaning tables...yeehaw." He just laughed.

So my conclusion is, well, I'm really really glad I'm not done with school, but I'm also really really glad I found a career path which will keep me challenged creatively and physically. Theatre will not leave me bored, I know it won't. But I feel bad for all those people stuck in jobs like the one I have now. I've worked there for a WEEK and I'm already bored of it.
I got a call from Starbucks today tho, so I'm hoping to get that interview and work nights for them.

Working all day sucks. Coming home at 7:20 after working from 10:30 til 7:00 leaves very little time to have fun before going to bed to wake up and do it all over again. I now know what they mean when they say one day of high school is worth more than a month of adulthood. Work is pretty frickin' sucky.

I wish I had someone to come home to though. I figure work won't suck so much when I know there is actually something to do after work. Like, in the future, when me and my girlfriend live together, we'll go off to work and come home to watcha movie, make dinner, spend time with each other, and on days off, we can go out, have fun y'know. But right now, I go to work, I come home, and I have nothing to do. I go on the computer and dick around, I had a friend over for a little bit and we talked about what we did yesterday for the fourth, but he had to go home pretty fast cuz his dad wanted him.

I pretty much hate being in this, blank period. Like, we're on hold for so much right now. The house is on the market, we have a house in MN we're hoping to get when this house sells, practically all my shit is packed, I don't have any schoolwork to do. I know it sounds really really strange but, I've been doing schoolwork like, forever. I mean, since I was in kindergarden I've always had something to do in the summer. I had summercamp, then summerschool, vacations and stuff, I always had something I was supposed to be doing. But right now, I just have to keep the house clean, feed myself, mow the lawn...I dunno. Its just boring lately. I feel so, uninspired. Yet I can still write...which is good, I'd lost that ability for a while...you should go to my music myspace, two of those songs on there were written this week, well, one yesterday in its entirety and one i just finished. http://www.myspace.com/jelissacarter

I'm loosing myself in so many ways, yet growing in so many others. Its strange. I feel like i've gotten so much worse at juggling...but i know that's just cuz i've not been practicing. I miss my girlfriend so much its not even funny... its been so long... so incredibly long since i've seen her, and that day was not a good day. Seven months is way too long to be separated from someone you are madly in love with. But I really don't feel like getting into that again...

Summer

2006-06-27T15:47:45Z

Summer so far, half boring as fuck, half overstimulating.

That's my shadow touching the bush of what I call the Vagina Tree. Its in my grandparent's front yard. It got hit by lightning a long time ago, so it grew like that.

Last weekend we went to MN to look at houses and we also hit up MoA (Mall of America) I hated it because my GF lives in MN, and I didn't see her, and I was going to MoA, which is where we first met. That weekend was horrible.

Last week I decided I needed a new bathing suit. So I got my first ever bakini. From Khols.

I had to break it in so I went to the waterpark, Hurricane Harbor.

I get bored sometimes at the waterpark and I just lay there and tan, so I played in the sand under the bench.

Picture phones are fun...

Gay Pride Parade

2006-06-27T15:36:06Z

Yesterday I went to the Gay Pride Parade, despite having gone with my mom, her boyfriend, and his daughter, it was fun. They dropped me off at Millenium park afterwards and I just kinda wandered around the lakefront until I met up with some jugglin' folk over at oak street beach. If I was completely alone, or with my girlfriend, it would've been loads better. Parents and Grandparents get annoying.

After the Parade I walked around Millennium Park, Navy Pier, and made my way over to Oak Street Beach. While at OSB I saw this:

llllspyderllll @ 2006-06-23T09:04:00

2006-06-23T14:06:39Z

CJ, aka Courtney Jones.
She used to read...She used to post.
She was in my dream last night. Theatre dream o'course. She was all, glamorous somehow, if you can imagine her glamorous. She had a white backpack.

I wonder how she's doing at Columbia....

llllspyderllll @ 2006-06-18T19:16:00

2006-06-19T00:35:28Z

I went to MN this weekend. I took pictures at the place we stayed.
We're totally moving to MN... We bought a used car while we were there, it has MN plates. And we put down a buyers agreement for an awesom house.

I talked to my g/f's mom, but not my g/f...It was my g/f's mom's birthday yesterday, so we took her out for breakfast this morning. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to have not seen your gf for more than 6 months, and then to be less than 5 minutes away from her house, and not allowed to see her....seriously, fuck this...

llllspyderllll @ 2006-06-15T20:23:00

2006-06-16T01:30:07Z

FUCK THIS

I am 30 min away from my girlfriend. I know she is in her room crying herself to sleep to avoid blowing up on her mother... Meanwhile I'm sitting in a hotel room finishing my pizza and pop and dicking around on my computer. Its taking all the power in me to keep from grabbing those keys next to the tv and driving down highway ten to get to my gf... It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know how to get there..but i know exactly how. Sure, we're here to look at houses...but I haven't seen my girlfriend since January 2nd.

I love her...so much... I just want to SEE her...fuck this...